I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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