I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
