Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
