Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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