There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
