She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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