She is in my trunk
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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