RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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