I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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