we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
