True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
why is half of my head shaved?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
