You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
