i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry