my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?