ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian