my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
