Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
