It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize