I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
