he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
