I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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