1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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