apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
