I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
