I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
