yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
