I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
