Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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