Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
