You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
