you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
