Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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