My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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