just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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