So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
another moral hangover. fuck.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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