it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
