I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
