Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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