dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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