Yo dont text me then not text me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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