I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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