It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
