Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
