We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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