I only kidnapped one of them. chill
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Randomize
