I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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