just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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