Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
