Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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