I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
