Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
