I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
