dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
