you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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