My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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