she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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