I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
