His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
