Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
