True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Text me some of your sweat
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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