She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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